Just Another Blonde

only a constant reminder

2011-12-24T00:24:00.000-06:00

I swear I'm actually in a fairly warm and fuzzy mood, even sans snow.
However, some recent developments and recent exposure to what is in terms of my families help do linger and cause me to prematurely worry about my own decay.
My sister was recently diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I got away with a diagnosis of benign hyper mobility but only by a hair. We're both double jointed and crack out knuckles like no other but A, her situation is much worse. She has nearly all of the major symptoms, from the stretchy skin to double jointed knees, joint dislocation, and early arthritis.
What brought about my worry was what happened today. Mom woke her up and she startled a little but then sat up and started crying. Her arm was twitching like mad. I asked her what was wrong and she looked up, sniffed back some tears and said one of her vertebra popped out of alignment. Now I know some of you will say, "if that was the case she would have passed out from the pain," and in some cases I'm sure that happens. However A lives in constant pain. She takes up to, and I'm sure sometimes over 6 Ibuprofen a day and if just trying to avoid being prescribed heavy narcotics for pain, despite having been offered the Rx.What happened was the bit that was knocked out of place was pressing on a nerve. She was able to pop it back into place, with some exercises and movements she got from the doctors we've been seeing. Her am stopped twitching and she went to take the pills she didn't want to take today. She was trying to not take all of her pain meds.
Now, how and why does this happen to her? Well, her collagen is rather weak. This makes rest difficult since as she gets more fatigued her muscles work extra hard to hold it all together. Sleep is even harder due to this and makes actual relaxation difficult since it is physically painful.
So, I worry for her but like every other human being I worry for myself as well. The doctor didn't say I didn't have to worry but he said I was in a more functional state.
Should I worry that in only a few years time (she's only 2 years my senior) I will be in constant pain and popping painkillers like candy? I don't know. I don't want to think about it but...
family is always a constant reminder of what is to come.

(ok, endith the emo-ness/dramatics)

reverting back

2011-12-22T02:50:00.001-06:00

I've been home for far too long. I don't even have to think twice about why I took that trip to Dublin only 5 days after I returned to the midwest to begin with. I'm back in my old room. The walls are a new color and the bed frame has changed but it's still full of all my crap.
I feel myself reverting back to how I used to be... bits of highschool angst, fragments of college drama, hell I even had a full blown fight with my mom (no taking swings at each other but we screamed at each other and I told my voice for a few days... not fun and minorly awkward with all of the holiday events and encountering family trying to ask me where my life's at right now).
I'm starting to relax and collect myself again but it's weird. Sometimes I can feel my hold on the reality I've created for myself outside of this house slip away. It's funny, aside from a few online interactions with people from my life on the east coast, it sometimes feels like a distant dream. Not a perfect one, oh no. New York is anything but perfect. But it was a life all my own. One I dictated every second of and I miss that. I don't know when I'll get back to it or even if getting back to it will even involve returning to NY. Might pick it up somewhere else and start it off fresh again. Regardless, my life is dictated by my film right now, as I have the luxury of money in savings and couches to crash on to allow it.
We'll see how it goes.

back again

2011-12-21T03:42:00.002-06:00

Its been about a year and a half since my last post. I'm such a bad blogger when it comes to long term blogs.Anywhowhat have I been up to recently?Well I moved to NYC and back again, traveled by myself to Ireland and the UK (met up with friends upon arrival but still took overnight trips on my own while my friends went about their work and classes etc.), I returned to working on my documentary (I'll post more on that later), gained a producer and editor for said doc, and I returned home as a base to leap off and return to as to not deal with rent and the cost of flying from one end of the country to the other. The Midwest is quite the useful little travel hub, innit?

Resume Writing/Polishing

2010-06-21T23:38:00.001-05:00

My mom's been keeping in touch alot. She remembers what both of my sister's were like after graduation and she's worried about how I'll take to what she referred to as "reality shock." I'm not sure if that even needs to be in quotes but I guess that's because the "reality" feels far too surreal.

the Summer of my Discontent

2010-06-18T01:55:00.002-05:00

So I'm all graduated...
I felt that it was right, and I was happy. I walked in the procession in my rose colored glasses grinning like an idiot. I was pretty excited and totally happy about walking across that stage to get my diploma (even though due to the rain they didn't have the diploma in them... had to pick it up after...son of a *grumble grumble*) and I FUCKING LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF THE LONG AS HELL CEREMONY (save waiting 30 minutes in line before the ceremonial bagpipe march).
But now I'm in the aftermath. No longer an undergrad, I'm officially and alumna.
and right now
I'm scared as hell.

so what does the immediate future hold?
I'll still be living around campus, new apartment (summer sublet at least) is just a block away from my old one. I'm working at the place I worked all year for the summer at the very least and I'm trying to plan a vacation. I need an escape, even if I don't have a job for next year lined up, I need time away from this city, this campus, just everything
I want to fall off the radar, at least for a little bit... but I'm actually afraid to travel on my own. Ugh... I'll probably just suck it up and go somewhere.

Just have to figure out where.

quote of the month

2010-02-14T14:08:00.001-06:00

"I sooo am the Yoda of exhibition"

mice!

2009-12-24T11:19:00.001-06:00

we've caught 5 so far
shit

Expat Possibilities

2009-12-21T03:43:00.002-06:00

So I've been going through the quarter life crisis/nearing the end of my years as an undergrad freak out. I feel like it's almost a right of passage... or maybe I'm romanticizing my own anxiety. Either way it's ignited a fire under my ass and I've found some potential options for living abroad for a while, and a few for some decent pay jobs in DC.
I'm going to start applying tomorrow... if I can just get my MUN BS out of the way

short but to the point

2009-12-17T03:14:00.001-06:00

I have a strong feeling that the urge to find a boyfriend is merely an urge to find a personal space heater to snuggle with in order to keep warm in my frigid apartment.

the freshmen giggles

2009-11-19T01:26:00.003-06:00

There is a gaggle of freshmen sitting behind me in the cafe
They took my usual study spot but I didn't get here early enough to claim it.
They keep giggling and chatting about how much they love college, parties they are looking forward to this weekend, and how different this life is from just 5 months ago.

I know I will miss this when I leave but...
They haven't been broken yet. They'll learn

when MUN goes too far

2009-09-07T07:26:00.002-05:00

why god why

so slow... so slow (Amsterdam part 1)

2009-09-01T10:07:00.003-05:00

In case no one got the reference, allow me to preface it with the song that was stuck in my head for majority of the weekend.

Sadly, the beginning of my trip did not get to start slow and leisurely. Due to losing electricity in my room the night before my laptop's battery was spent and I only had my phone to wake me up. (I can see my mum shaking her head... those who know me already see where I'm going with this.)
I woke up at 12. I assumed I knew which station I was meeting K at in 45 minutes. Well... I couldn't remember if I knew the right station and not having Internet to check it on ... needless to say there was a lot of spastic texting and schlepping from one end to the other before finally arriving at Heathrow 50 minutes before take off and receiving a stand-by ticket. They oversold, or claimed to have oversold, the flight due to the high demand as it was a Bank Holiday.
I suppose this weekend was the UK version of Labor Day only instead of titling it "Labour Day" they decided to not title it at all. This threw me a bit. I know most US holidays like this are rather bullshit in regards to their titles. While I'm sure some places do something special according to the theme the majority are the same: day off work for government workers and most offices and insane amounts of traffic. However I find the attempt at legitimising a day off with a title comforting. But maybe that's just me.
We arrived in Amsterdam a little late. Something delayed us but I suppose just saying "Heathrow" in relation to that is excuse enough. We called the owner of the apartment we were renting for the weekend and figured out train tickets and found a train to city center. Thank God "Amsterdam" is the same in Dutch and English.
We figured out the trams and followed the directions given to us to our apartment where M was waiting for us already. Down by Govert Bolstraat in an apartment of the same same and up an incredibly steep flight of stairs was our haven for the weekend. And damn was it brilliant. We not only had a full kitchen that was partially stocked but we had a bedroom, computer room, lovely bathroom with the best shower EVER, a living room and dining room, and a balcony or "smoking area" complete with chairs and table that balanced off of the railing complete with ash tray. Do note that the email about the apartment included the direction "please no smoking of Tobacco."
I do love The Netherlands.

You know, It's Wednesday

2009-08-26T18:46:00.006-05:00

So, I went to the "Late Night" at the Science Museum of London and it just so happened to be Forensic Science night. Not only were people walking around dressed in cotton scrubs and drinking wine and beer, but they had chalk outlines, free magazines, and a makeup station. I'm not exactly sure if it was supposed to be so, but it more or less became, "Turn yourself into a murder scene."
Let's just say I had a little too much fun with this.
It goes without saying that the museum did not have a proper bathroom to clean up such a job in, not that I would have sought it out anyway.
So, I rode the Tube home looking like this. I had some stares, murmurs, looks of concern and general shock. I would try to look people in the eye but they would all look away. The hardest part was trying not to laugh.
Imagine, seeing someone who looks like this sitting a few seats down from you on the train at night. Note that she doesn't look in pain but is instead listening to her ipod and tapping her foot. Yeah... I enjoyed myself a little too much.
I bought batteries on my way home at a stand in one of the Tube stations. The man at the counter just looked stunned. He stuttered at one point, as if mid way through getting his words out decided not to even ask. I just smiled, paid, thanked him, and went about my business. My plan was if anyone asked I would reply, "fightin'" (probably with a heavy American accent) or shrug and say "It's Wednesday," as if that would explain everything.

No one asked.

list of things done and things to come

2009-08-24T06:02:00.002-05:00

Let's see... What have I done this summer so far?

Places Travelled
-Italy: Forli and Florence
-Wales: Cardiff, Llaneli, and Swansea
-Spain: Madrid
-UK: Bath, Stonehenge, Dover, and Oxford

Movies seen
-Coco Before Channel
-Sin Nombre
-Inglorious Basterds
-Time Travelor's Wife

But What Else is There?
-Amsterdam
-Paris
-visiters
-Dorian Gray
-meeting with potential new contacts
-Manu Chao????? (hopefully)

Unnecessary and vomit inducing

2009-08-04T06:50:00.002-05:00

I go onto facebook way too much.
And everyone aside from myself seems to take ages to upload photographs. So it comes as no surprise that nostalgia lasts so long for people, they take ages to share memories and beging the process of letting go of the past.
I am nervious about the coming year. My senior year, my final year, of university is approaching and part of me wants to curl up and cry instead of facing it head on, but unless I want to live the rest of my life as a drop out who knows she could have at least have scraped by and graduated. But that's just it.
I'm not afraid of my final project... not really anyway. I'm very excited about my documentary BA. I know it is going to be difficult and I'll be living in Crerar Library for most of Winter and the beginning of Spring quarter. I won't be alone. Nearly everyone I know has a final thesis due in spring and if not that MCATS, LSATS, and or GREs...
the future is approaching so fast
I'm getting a little motion sickness

My Battles

2009-08-03T19:39:00.001-05:00

So, I too, like the rest of the the people I know, have a list of thing I'd like to accomplish this summer. While my list may include more travel than others, I've noticed that certain places haven't been added to my list until I know for sure they are booked and same goes for certain activities.
Well, I have only a few uncertain goals that I chose not to fully acknowledge out of fear of failure. If I happen to get off track and not complete them I suppose I think it doesn't matter unless it was officially regarded as a goal.
I'm a dirty rotten cheat for going about my summer "goals" list in this way.

Summer goal NUMBER 1: Actually adsorb French and be able to speak it with at least some semblance of ease.

Weird feeling of Intuition?

2009-08-03T09:23:00.003-05:00

This curious feeling just washed over me
a feeling of just Knowing.
I know that I will move to Europe for a while some time in my near future. Whether it's in Paris or London or even between the two for a while.
It just feels right, like it's meant to happen.
Now to find out under what circumstances.

Along the Thames

2009-08-02T18:52:00.002-05:00

I decided to take a walk down the river today. Grabbed ice cream and walked back to my dorm, enjoying my small cone of Vanilla with a Cadbury Flake. Then what do I see as I enjoy the tasty treat and the view? A man sitting on the edge, looking at me, and licking his lips.
Needless to say I felt more than uncomfortable. I quickly adjusted my jacket to cover more and even shrugged more hair over the front of my shirt.
Yes, I was wearing a lower cut top. And yes, I do know the sexual connotations and pop culture references to make the scene I just painted all kinds of raunchy. But can a girl just enjoy her ice cream without the leers?

just needed to vent.
more on Italy and London later.

Part 3

2009-07-30T18:13:00.004-05:00

I made it to the London Luton airport with plenty of time to spare... which prompted me to pay for rather mediocre coffee and a sandwich my stomach would quickly make me regret.
Once I got the the gate I people watched. The most interesting was the kid who looked a little special. He seemed to be considered "normal" by his traveling companions but he was ridiculous. He not only had a faux hawk but the word "Winner" across his chest on his t-shirt. it was really a sight to see and only made it harder for me to not laugh out loud when the stewardess with the drinks cart nearly ran him over in the walkway in which he chose to stand in as he swayed back and forth while chatting with his friends.
Once everyone was seated and the turbulence subsided everyone was served Champagne and biscuits. I wasn't the only one who looked surprised by this but I was suddenly very happy that my queasiness subsided, and just in time.
I dosed in and out of sleep, flipped through the Italian/English magazine and finally landed.
The difference in temperature made stepping off the cool airplane feel like stepping into a sauna. I regretted not wearing my contacts and sunglasses immediately as I shaded my eyes from teh scorching sun. I already knew I was going to stand out in this country but with the sun beating down my skin looked like it was glowing I was reflectign so much light. I had recieved stares while waitign to get off the plain and glanced around at my fellow travelors and realized that even including the other english speakers on board, I was still easily the palest.
I only hoped I packed enough sunblock.

Part 2

2009-07-30T18:00:00.003-05:00

I watched the following movies on my flight to London from Chicago: I Love You, Man, half of Watchmen, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and Zoolander.

Upon my arrival I was greeted at the luggage carousel by surveys... Being jetlagged like no other I wasn't bitchy or quick witted enough to get out of it but instead embraced it as a means to stay awake while I waited for my luggage. After providing about 10 minutes worth of useless answers, the questions were for a UK Bank I've never heard of asking if I was interested or if I was at all familiar with their ad campaigns that I never saw until I stepped off my plane, I listened to my ipod and collected my bags.

NEVER TRUST HEATHROW TAXIS. The fuckers who worked for teh airport to hail them for you fucked me over and I ended up with a 75+ GBP cab ride to my dorm. Fucking bullshit.

When flying to a location you know will leave you ungodly jetlagged, know a few people there who are willing to keep you awake until an acceptable hour. Then pass out. I was only slightly out of it the next day and was fully ready to get a cell phone, drink a few pints, and pack for Italy.

The Long Journey Part 1

2009-07-30T17:48:00.003-05:00

I have been a very very bad blogger. Shame on me indeed.
Throughout the next 2 hours (max) I will be updating with tid bits of my journy to London, Florence, Forli, and back to London.
First:
The flight attendants with British Airways are amazingly kind. Upon popping a melatonin tablet after bottle 1 of wine, they simply smiled, offered me more, then when I requested more around hour 4 did not try to steer me away from it but merely asked "what kind?"
yay for not calling me an alchie
costomer service may not be so fantastic in London, but at least it is in the sky.

My Doc from spring quarter

2009-07-16T15:13:00.000-05:00

Save the Hipsters
enjoy!

wow

2009-07-15T03:00:00.001-05:00

Just saw HP6: the Half-Blood Prince on Imax
even with a slightly hollywood-ized ending, still was the best HP movie yet.
more musings involving Potter and how its interacted in my life (more shocking than you'd think, really) later. Sleep first.

allow me to ramble for a moment

2009-07-12T18:40:00.003-05:00

I saw Bruno today. I know they had to re-edit but I'm almost a little afraid of seeing the unedited version/the UK edition. I feel like a total prude seeing that, but I can honestly say that I have not seen that much penis in a film... or ever over the last year really. I guess after Borat and all the comments about the large censor bar over his junk he figured he may as well show it. Not gonna lie, he had no reason to be ashamed but I didn't need to see it talk.
But enough spoilers for now.
I made dinner for my sister (one of my culinary successes) and we're watching the Office. The Dinner Party episode. One of the funniest and most uncomfortable episodes EVER. Besides making me squirm and dread ever getting trapped in a relationship like Micheal and Jan's. Part of what annoyed and scared me about it was the use of one of my pet peeves. I HATE couples that call each other "Babe." Even more so when they overuse it. I can deal with it when they use it sparingly, but when it's the beginning of every sentence in which they address one another... I begin to cringe.

Heading to Ted Drewe's for frozen custard in a it. The All Star Game's the week so my sister and I will be trying to spot the celebs that are in for it. Some formal locals. They're the ones we figure would head to Ted Drewe's as it is the local favorite. It's soooooo yummy.
More later after my return home.

the lou

2009-07-11T17:52:00.001-05:00

I often forget how small other cities in the USA can be.
updates later

A few Points

2009-07-08T15:56:00.002-05:00

1. My two favorite things to do after work: sleep and/or working out to techno
2. Do not bother me while I am editing unless absolutely necessary
3. I feel overly conscious of the phrases I say too often. Things such as "and I was like..." and "totes." I'm still unsure of how I feel about these buts its a rather awkward feeling.

This weeks goals

2009-07-05T19:26:00.002-05:00

-Exercise for an hour every day, with a different activity for each day, repeating one (running or elliptical) only once if at all
-Survive the shoot for the IFP program
-make it to St. Louis!!!

Ad Fun

2009-07-02T23:04:00.003-05:00

So I added the monetize function and these ads that are popping up scare me.
They sound desperate and creepy.
oh well.

My story today.
Work, exhausted, staged scene, met cast, watched crew, watched camera fall and nearly had a heart attack over it, passed out
woke up, dressed, bused it to the city, walked around the taste and basked in the festival of gluttony, walked, bused back, giggled at movie on the quad, got my hair stroked by a friend tripping on E, laughed, walked home

I'm far to exhausted for full sentences.

I'm out.

edit: I know why my ads or like that. My damn review of He's Just Not That Into You. UGH!

Making Plans... or attempting to

2009-07-02T01:07:00.001-05:00

So, while I'm cooling my heels state side I figured I'd do something with myself
I'm already exhausting myself most weekdays doing Volunteer work with the IFP summer program at the Chicago Vocational School, but I've decided more plans are required to keep me not only occupied but in a good mood. I've been getting antsy as I wait to depart for the UK and hopefully the following will help.
-wandering around the city proper
-going to the Taste of Chicago with friends from High School and catching up
-shopping and fixing my wardrobe (I've been going through it and realized that I'm in dire need of an update least I want to perpetually appear to be stuck in my high school/Freshman year wardrobe)
-rereading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
-attempting to get my ass downtown and see the movies I want to see before they get retired from the theaters
-planning a trip down to St. Louis to visit my eldest sister.

2 Things

2009-06-29T17:00:00.002-05:00

1) I say weird things when I'm sleepy. Today's quote: "Chuckle chuckle, mother fucker"
2) the last post was my 100th post
yay?

title change

2009-06-28T03:52:00.000-05:00

help me pick a new title
the old one felt rather stale

He's Just Not That Into You (Review/Rant?)

2009-06-28T02:02:00.003-05:00

Before I even get into this review let me just say that I was warned by my sister about this movie. She didn't warn me that I would be depressed or be disturbed by what I would learn about men. No, I actually know guys relatively well... I don't want to toot my own horn but I suppose I could just say I'm a realist. Claiming to know men is a rather bold statement and unless I have a penis can be challenged by anyone.

So I'm a realist, borderline pessimist, watching this movie that I guess is supposed to show women the real views on men and the whole dating, relationship game thing.
I've heard alot about the book. Basically its a run down on all of the ways women view relationships and dates and the real view of it all through a mans perspective/ the real perspective.
I'm not 100% sure of the intent of either the movie or book, but as I watch this movie I get more and more disturbed about my future.
It seems that I'm screwed unless I find a relationship.
The main characters offer 4 different key views with more mini-stories spanning off of them leaving the movie in an awkward and overly busy web of the hells of a mid-life crisis.

There's the five main women characters:

-Scarlet Johansson: the girl who finds a married man she's head over heels for but when she gets down and depressed about him (in between meeting up and flirting with him) she runs back to her on again off again douchebag of an ex boyfriend. Note that she dabbles in the character while constantly falling back to her usual over-sexified character she always defaults to. However, her character dresses like shit in a vain attempt to make her look more "girl next door." It just makes her look frumpy.

-Jennifer Anisten: the woman stuck in a relationship that appears to have reached a standstill. Her boyfriend, played by Ben Affleck, claims that he doesn't believe in marriage and thus refuses to get married. Anisten's sister starts planning her wedding and Anisten realises that she really wants to get married. Drama ensues.

-Drew Barrymore: Here's the topical overly technologically savvy social networking obsessed character. She's got every popular networking site, technological mobile device, and she's not afraid of utilizing them for dating purposes. Aside form that she takes care of having her gaggle of overly stereotyped gay boy friends advising her the whole way through her tech-savvy dating escapades. There's really nothing else to say about her character.

-Ginnifer Goodwin: I didn't know this actresses name until I looked it up on IMBD. She plays Gigi, the most annoying female character to ever stumble onto the silver screen. She goes out with Connor, Scarlet's sloppy seconds, and obsesses on him calling her back. She goes through the movie meeting more guys and freaking out on them. She's the typical obsessive desperate chick. She thinks that she's just missing that one little thing to get a guy to like her, when in reality she's got so much desperate vibes going on that how Justin Long's character can even stand her is completely beyond me.

-Jennifer Connelly: I was very depressed to see her in this role. She's better than this movie, and I have a strong feeling that during the first screening she was present for she realized that. She consoles Gigi during her screw ups while her own horrid marriage goes to shit. Her husband, played by The Hangover's Bradley Cooper, is the man Scarlett seduces. The whole premise of their marriage is vomit inducing. They were dating through college and Connely gives him the ultimatum of breaking up or getting married. He states "It's kind of a dick move to not marry someone after dating for so long," something he quickly learns is totally and completely false. An actress who's been in such amazing and award winning movies as Requiem for a Dream and A Beautiful Mind and all she is reduced to is a side character who consoles the desperate twat and gets her heart broken because Scar-Jo steals her husband.

In the end, some of the couples you see coming work out, and some don't, and they try to make you feel like you learned something... It claims that holding onto Hope is the key.
Either way it's way too busy and kind of exhausting to watch.

i give it a 2 out of 5
not horrid, takes up some time if you're REALLY bored, but in the end not really worth making the time for it.

oh. MY. GOD!

2009-06-26T14:25:00.002-05:00

The mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie is now on Hulu.
clicky clicky
throw back to my childhood, hollah!

yay!

2009-06-20T22:21:00.000-05:00

Pixar Joy

1st all nighter of the quarter

2009-06-04T05:59:00.002-05:00

Fuck this shit

i've gone through waves of giddiness, anger, sleepiness, insatiable hunger (nom nom nom, more beef jerky!), and now I'm just kinda numb to the fact that it's past 6am and i'm still in the mac lab in the basement of the library.
It's still reading period
Just FYI
Ok... I need to finish this outline and get a lil sleep before I haul ass to finish dealing with visa issues

going Crazy

2009-05-26T14:01:00.002-05:00

I loath how a tiny thing ca grow to the size of a giant rock in ones shoe
This asshat in my class will not stop shaking his feet... ans this stupid charm on his shoe keeps hitting against the cheap plastic coat of the shoes making a sound as if someone is drumming their fingers as a rapid rate again that would make one assume they are on a caffeine high of epic proportions.

excerpt of my notes from Language and Globilization

2009-05-18T14:07:00.001-05:00

# of Native Speakers
MANDARIN: 1,151,000,00 total [3]
Hindi: 650,000,000
Spanish: 417 million -- Latin America helps soooooo much
English: 341,000,000
total speakers: 1,500,000,000 world wide speakers
Arabic:
206,000,000; 422,000,000 ww
Portuguese: 215 million native, 20 million in other nations that use is outside of where its considered the local lang
Russian 165 million native, 110million use it as a second
French 113 million "native and real speakers"

for a more detailed list, see here

Post Europe

2009-05-12T00:49:00.002-05:00

My college life has become divided.
No, not freshmen/sophomore vs upperclassman. It is now pre-abroad and post. Life has changed so drastically I am having issues comprehending it. I'm also having issues accept this. This is a common problem for me when my feelings on such matters are written/typed and I suddenly realize how melodramatic and pretentious I probably sound to the rest of the world. I know that Europe did not change everyone else's life the way I feel that mine has changed. I am also very aware that while many people I know spent most of there time with fellow Americans, I found people who lived in my dorm and old friends who now live in Paris (American/Parisian/and French alike) to spend my time with. I may not have gone to as many nightclubs and bars as my classmates, but I wouldn't trade the nights I spent with my friends for anything.

It has been about 2+months since my return and I'm still insanely nostalgic and missing the wonderful people I met like mad despite only knowing them for such a short time.

Am I crazy?
or am I just insanely bored with where I am now?

The "Real" Game of Life

2009-04-21T02:42:00.002-05:00

So, today I got together with some friends and played a little game. It's a play off "The Game of Life" and much more enjoyable.
Whether or not a little intoxication is required to enjoy this game, I'm not actually sure. Though I had a buzz, not all of the players were sober and they had about as much fun, or more than the others.
Instead of having the game all figured out on the board each player received a piece of paper which they use to keep track of their name, gender (supposed to be determined by a coin flip, happiness points, Health Points, and money as well as space to keep a log of everything that happens to you throughout the game. Sounds a little silly at first but it's actually pretty funny, particularly when you read them out at the end, going form order of death, as it is incredibly hard to atually make it to the end.
NOTE: all of the players in the game I played in died befre any of us coudl make it to the end.

Here's the Diary I kept for my character
NOTE: this game is real and is incredibly NON-PC
don't be offended, and if you are, don't blame me.
characters: Jareth - Michael
Tyrone - Brian
Art Vandolay - Hal
Jill - Adam

Naked Time!
I'm so fugly. God why? This kid Jareth is soooo cute, but he hate me. :( This kid Art keeps getting black eyes and this kid Jill who keeps hacking and my parents are getting divorced. FML. Saved Jareth from an angry mob. Maybe he'll like me now. Art smells like fish. Shit, I just got beat up and I think Art has herpes and Jill just got fucking killed! And I'm preggers. This kid is gonna effing kill me. That's why I gave it up for adoption. At least I got time to recover. Thank god.
Got caught with a beer. WTF? I had a fucking kid! I can drink. Why am I a proctologyst? Tyrone just got AIDS, WTF Uranium? I saved a lake. Nifty. At least I married a rich guy. lil' old though. I'm plain? Fuck this shit. Tyrone got married... he looks happy but he's so nasty... probs has the clap. Tyrone just died... not surprising. Probably syphilis. Art just got divorced... poor kid. Just got eaten to. ew
I <3 heroine! Yay pony... in my wall.... 9/11, god damn, fuck this shit!

each sentence/run-on represents something that happened in the game. However, in order to explain I'd ruin the fun.
However, I will say that since happiness points win the game, and I got lucky in my "drug roll"
I won because I had my character try heroin, get addicted, but then get super happy/high.

check this game out

oh, yeah... Hi! I'm stateside

2009-04-16T14:35:00.002-05:00

but only for another 2 months
Yup, I'm leaving again
this time for London and this time I don't think I'll be maintaining a seperate blog
I didn't write in it enough to justify.
but, if you'd liek to catch up on blurbs from my time abroad, though they be few and far between
http://eastwestcambodge.blogspot.com/

more on my future later
i vow to do more blogging!

My first Euro trip Movie list

2008-12-19T11:27:00.005-06:00

So my sisters and I are going to have a movie night before I leave for Paris. I'm trying to think of more movies we should watch but for now, here's the list we've made so far.

-Eurotrip
-Before Sunset (Before Sunrise too, I suppose, but we're trying to stick more with movies that occur, at least in part, in Paris)
-paris je t'aime
-2 Days in Paris

-District B13

-an American in Paris

2008-12-14T17:26:00.001-06:00

She died alone
I dunno what to even think or feel
might be on a a plane soon
might not

Gerry Todd
December 14, 2008
I hope it was peaceful and as dignified as possible... why do i feel like all of these words are wrong?

numb? maybe... sleeping a lot again at least

2008-12-14T14:03:00.002-06:00

i should pay more attention to when my habits change

when i start turning inwards and sleeping more than being awake... something is clearly happening

or when i fall into the habit of not eating/forgetting to eat

another holiday another family member deciding nows the time to kick the bucket

Grandma's en route to departure

I just hope she has a peaceful flight

we called to have them turn her defibrillator off.

we're having it get shipped to our doctor. or made into some sweet form of modern, not really sure

Time no longer makes sense

2008-12-14T10:12:00.002-06:00

So, I've been dealing with finals for the last week and it's suddenly over... I'm now left with total exhaustion and no definite concept of time or even space (thanks to my eyes going out of focus and screwing with my depth perception)

But after a surreal Saturday and about 12 hours of sleep, I am functional and packing.

countdown: 15 days

I'm gonna go watch Euro trip

2008-12-12T08:01:00.001-06:00

7:58
Its just occurred to me
not only have I been here for 12 hours straight now
but I've become one of those people. You know the ones. They're the people you see in the reg that you pity because you know that they haven't slept and have been torturing themselves with work.
yes
I am one of those people right now

2008-12-12T03:38:00.000-06:00

3:38 am
after watching the daily show and colbert
I watched the film i am supposed to be writing on and took 3 pages of notes
now i mist turn that into 8 pages of double spaced text
Too bad I keep wasting time with online window shopping

2008-12-12T00:29:00.000-06:00

12:30 - Reginstein Library Mac Lab
atempting to read articles for paper
failing
watching Colbert Report

all-noc-ter

2008-12-09T03:16:00.001-06:00

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=106344&title=terror-unc

the world falls apart but the pieces still fit together

2008-12-06T20:46:00.000-06:00

So my world is always rather cyclical, as are most, whether acknowledged or not
Everything falls apart
the pieces remain
and somehow it all comes back together, never in the same shape but never completely unrecognizable.
The pieces are interchangeable with each other and every once in a while a piece is lost along with the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle and the missing sock the drier decided to devour. These things happen and yield no definite resolution but still remain facts we all seem to let be.
I'm not sure what I'm doing with my pieces.
I'm attempting to reassemble before I depart and pick up new ones/ rearrange old ones. I'll just wait and see what fits best.

Got that Jingle Jangle

2008-11-21T14:34:00.000-06:00

Slept in today, didn't get to the student union until about 2. As I walked down the steps from Uncle Joe's I saw ORCSA leaders tying fake greenery laced with lights around the banister and I got that warm and fuzzy feeling inside.
That Jingle Jangle feeling
That holiday warm and fuzzy.
I couldn't help but smile and feel that little twitter of excitement that reminds me of when I was 4.
I'll welcome snow now instead of cursing it like last week. The cold felt less bitter and I'm actually looking forward to going home next weekend.

Holiday season's here and I couldn't be happier.

one more reason to love Chicago

for non UChicagoers... ORCSA - Office of the Reynold's club (the student union) and Student Affairs
Uncle Joe's - student run coffee shop

good? ok, cool

60 days

2008-10-27T03:17:00.000-06:00

I've been counting down
And I've been mentally packing my bags
passport
vaccinations
applications
I just want to board my flight

This quarter has been in a strange sense of flux... I don't know exactly where its heading, where or when the climax of my work and everything will peak, but I can feel it coming
hello 5th week.

Body Shopping

2008-08-26T13:03:00.000-05:00

So I decided to shop around for a new defibrillator today. I already have one but it is about six years old now and I've been wondering what advancements have been made. The first thing I found was the possibility that my heart may and probably will be wifi accessible to my doctor by 2010 if I get the ultra sleek Virtuoso by Medtronic. Most other models by this company are not advertised as Wifi ready but it has been discussed in the medical world and is definitely the route they are looking into taking.
Guidant, now Boston Scientific (they "merged" by mainly go by Boston Scientific now) has been taking the Wifi route. For example their new model CONFIENT
I'm particularly fascinated by the Wireless monitoring and how much it can actually monitor.

Wireless remote monitoring between follow-ups
Individually selectable weekly alerts help you see changes sooner and take clinical action

* Sends an alert if the RV pacing level or atrial arrhythmia burden exceeds the threshold you set
* Optional wireless blood pressure monitor and weight scale, including a weight alert, to help you better manage your patients

blood pressure kind of a no brainer for its function but weight... definitely not what I expected but I can see the benefits for that.

well, I may not be making the final decision on this. It's going to be my doctor who makes the final call, since he knows significantly more about which one would best suit my particular problem. Regardless, I did look into the inquiries on lifestyle changes and general things to know about living with a defibrillator and I finally found the answer to a question that I've been wondering about for a while now.

Now that I have a defibrillator, can I resume sexual intimacy?

For most patients, sexual intimacy is not a medical risk. The natural heart rate increase that occurs during sex is the same as the heart rate increase that occurs when you exercise. Exercise testing at the hospital will help your doctor program your defibrillator so you don't get a shock during sex. If you do get a shock, your partner may feel a tingling sensation. The sensation is not harmful to your partner. Be sure to let your doctor know if you get a shock during sex. Your doctor may want to reprogram your device.

I was always wondering about this. I still wonder if the intensity of the "tingle" increases depending on which partner has the device and even then other factors play in. Can a condom just shield from the feeling all together or would there still be some sensation from the slight electrical charge (assuming that is the tingle being felt.
either way
kinda funny

Lollapalooza '08

2008-08-05T01:11:00.000-05:00

longer later
god I need to stop saying that.
but yeah
Lollapalooza '08 was amazing! While I missed dressing up and being a character and a part of it (a hole that working the ticket booth couldn't quite fill) I still had a blast and got to hang out with some awesome people.
definite shout out to Arturo. I'm glad to know that when I wanna go to a rough concert and get into the thick of what could potentially (and probably did) become one of the roughest mosh pits in Lolla history, that's you'd charge in with me. As sweaty and gross as it was, it was still unbelievable and amazingly fun.

Summer in a nutshell

2008-07-24T09:41:00.000-05:00

Work
Work Work
Work Work Work
I am currently a regular at 3 jobs, each around 10+ hours a week. Each with its own rate per hour and each with its positive and negative sides.
However, I still really cannot wait to end this... not that I'm not enjoying my summer, but I'm exhausted! I'm able to function outside of work because I force myself to and I have plenty of things to look forward to... I'm just tired.
I promise a longer and more substance
but I'm at my Hum job... can't afford more slacking. It's mind numbing.

hell fire

2008-07-16T12:52:00.001-05:00

Part of me doesn't believe I will ever be happy
Part of me works to keep myself from being happy
I enjoy a moment
the next I'm searching for something wrong, as if It must be there
as if it ha to be there
I'm going to just sit back and listen to bird's

frustration

2008-07-10T11:00:00.000-05:00

I'm at my HUM job. Of all of the jobs I have this summer, it is the oldest and yet now my least favorite. All I have been doing is data base work, and while I know it must be done it was not what I was told would be my primary work here. But so far it has been and this week I've literally been given pretend work. I'm sitting here, making sure these reels of Russian are in the system and moving them from one box to another. It is so mind numbing. My job swiping cards at the gym is more mentally stimulating (granted it is also not in a basement and friends often stop by, so at least I have that going for me there).
Well... To avoid more procrastination and maybe even brush up on some polish in between typing in barcodes (scanner broke) I guess I'm off
enjoy this while I'm away

its my new favorite video... I actually want an audio of this to put on my ipod. Like seriously, I like it that much.

Wall E

2008-06-27T02:45:00.000-05:00

Short post due to the fact that I have to be up in about 4 hours... but Wall E was perhaps the perfect movie. I haven't had such a good time watching a movie in a very long time. From the hilarious short at the beginning to the revert to more traditional hand drawn sketch animation at the end... Wall E was perhaps one of the most enjoyable movie theater experiences I have ever had.

apt livin

2008-06-18T02:23:00.000-05:00

So I've been in my apartment for about 3 days now. I've yet to fall asleep in my own bed before sunrise and I still don't have internet. However, I've saved the gas an electricity from being shut off and managed to land a 3rd job (only 7.5 hours a week but around $15 an hour... not bad.
so, My summer has FINALLY begun. It's been different, vastly different from last year. I not only have my own apartment but in doing so actually have a room and a bed to call my own this summer. definite up from last summer. More people are around too. I suppose that happens when you're not a first year anymore. More people are looking into jobs, apartments, getting older and having more responsibilities allowed to them (in my case) or thrust upon them in others.
Enough speculation on life's changes... though I could and probably will go on later when I can revise and make sure I'm not sounding emo or fake.
list of summer goals?
ok, I suppose I'll take the fall back plan for this post
1) write more (yay, started already)
2) save money for study abroad
3) get a mac
4) get in shape (i'm gonna be working at the gym... yeah, done and done)
5) rethink life and major and see if I feel like I'm on the right track -- do NOT PANIC while in process
6) start script
7) lollapalooooooza
8) pitchfork?
9) explore more parts of the city
10) take a small trip (NYC/LA/Miami are the front runners right now)

ok
ice cream's here (i love my neighbors, they bring me ice cream) and this list need not get longer least i feel unaccomplished when September rolls around.

summer

2008-06-13T04:12:00.000-05:00

expect more writing
I'm making myself write more
i miss it
used to do it alot
will return to it
fin

today's theme song

2008-05-07T15:27:00.000-05:00

alter ego

2008-03-27T18:25:00.000-06:00

Your results:
You are Catwoman

Catwoman		78%
Poison Ivy		73%
Venom		71%
Dark Phoenix		70%
Mystique		66%
Magneto		64%
Dr. Doom		63%
The Joker		62%
Two-Face		62%
Apocalypse		59%
Lex Luthor		55%
Riddler		54%
Green Goblin		54%
Mr. Freeze		54%
Juggernaut		46%
Kingpin		45%

With a troubled past and an upbringing on the streets you have learned how to fend for yourself through crime.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz

and on the third day he rose from the dead

2008-03-23T08:28:00.001-06:00

Grandpa succeeded oning up Jesus.
bravo, Pappy, Bravo

Charles Wilkinson
we love you
and we miss you
I'm glad you went in peace

up late

2008-03-22T03:15:00.000-06:00

So I successfully slept away the evening to avoid talking to family members about the current situation with my grandfather. I seriously do not want to talk about it and while I successfully avoided it, now I have to deal with a completely silent house, sans the constant sounds of my grandpa's oxygen dealie.
There are 3 major facts I'm still trying to deal with without freaking out
1. my grandpa is dying and will most likely be gone by the end of spring break
2. everything in my life is going to change and there's nothing I can do about it
3. my sister is graduating and leaving and I dunno when I'll see her after she leaves

there's a 4th but I'm having trouble acknowledging it and realizing it... let's just say it makes me really hate people in general.

so now that I'm up late, what do I do with my time?
I'm going to start watching movies, but all the ones we have here I've seen many many times. I guess I'll go hit up blockbuster (they seem to never run out thanks to the fact that most people out here do the NetFlix thing)
well, for now i'm off
peace out!

Finals

2008-03-18T03:27:00.000-06:00

Its 4:30am
do you know where your children are?

I'm currently in my school's library, on the first basement floor, in the computer lab, at the same computer I've been sitting at since 8pm. I am incredibly disturbed by this fact and can currently only take solace in the fact that I haven't been sitting here for the entire eight and a half hours... jesus its been that long.

I love weekends

2008-01-13T04:15:00.000-06:00

I've had a good night
one of the better ones I've had all school year.
And, I have to say, it was made better by the delightful first year's in my dorm... they have more ridiculous stories than I thought.
I will change names and relay in the morning... let's hope it's just as funny out of context, yes?

What the well adjusted wear

2007-12-19T13:58:00.000-06:00

I've been finding myself rather bored recently. I'm home for break and rather caught up on sleep. I finished reading The Golden Compass and I actually read all of my guides for MUNUC (RSO I have obligations to winter quarter... but more on that later) and aside from getting more done that needs to be done before the end of my break, I've found myself just bored out of my mind. Most of my friends are either in Hyde Park, home, or not off school yet. Stuck in suburbia, I've found myself sleeping at odd hours and spending over 48 hours straight inside... I haven't seen the sun in days, and not because of winter overcast. But I digress.
So, I needed something to do. For some reason I decided to go visit my high school. Honestly, that is the most entertaining thing I could come up with (sans late night trips to Taco Bell... it's the only thing open out here past 10:30pm). So I got up early, showered, put on some makeup, picked out an outfit that would look nice but not too far from casual and headed out. It was surprising how easily I remembered how to get there. Usually I have a horrid memory for such things but I suppose over 2 years of driving the same route kinda burns it into your head.
Got there and ran into many teacher's I recognized. Whether they all recognized me its hard to say, save the ones I actually wanted to see it was all formality. The main thing I noticed though, whether I was talking to my favorite teacher or one of the ladies that worked in the admin office, They all said nearly the same thing when they saw me. "You look great." "You look so grownup!" "Things must be going well." One of my teachers said something along the lines of "You sound so much older and well adjusted." I'm not quite sure how exactly I seem well adjusted. My sister and I started talking about this.

Lauren:did you have fun going back?
Me: eh, it was nice to get compliments
Apparently i look older and more adjusted
Lauren: What does an unadjusted person look like?
Me: I wore my corduroy blazer.. apparently they just wear blazers
Lauren: they are tasteful
Me: and makeup
Lauren: Ah. Do you use eye liner?
Me: yeah, and mascara.

I didn't really have to say much to my teachers. I just walked over, said hi, smiled, and answered questioned with just enough detail. Yes, it is true that I am enjoying this year more than my freshman year. And yes, I am doing better in my classes. I guess I'm doing better but I didn't feel that accomplished.
eh,
I'll take the ego stroke.

I swear I'll do a real post soon

2007-12-16T03:18:00.001-06:00

Should Animals Be Doing More For The Animal Rights Movement?

Yeah... I've Read the Golden Compass

2007-12-15T02:08:00.001-06:00

of Sleep Schedules and Insomniacs

2007-12-10T06:20:00.000-06:00

My first day of break went as such:
I woke up to the sounds of my cell phone beeping and saw I missed about 15 calls, all from my mom and sister. Then I saw the clock. After falling asleep around 6am, I managed to surprisingly oversleep and 'cause my mum and sister to leave continuous voicemails to a phone that was left on silent. Way to go, Jax. Needless to say neither were pleased but I was granted an extra 15 minutes to get my shit together and pack up for break. After a short ride home and a haircut, we had a rather delightful lunch with my mom and grandpa. I'd recall more details if it wasn't for teh fact that I was running on nothing but the left over calories from the champagne and omlett I had at 4am that morning at Clark's (don't ask) and was ready to pass out on my club sandwich and coffee. After taking an extra 10 minutes for the loading and unloading of my grandfather, I proceeded to pass out on the couch, only to wake up about 14 hours later at 6am the next day.
yes, friends, I missed an entire day of winter break.
way to be.

finally finals

2007-12-06T15:33:00.000-06:00

I have my last final tomorrow. God dammit I just want it to end. I had a four day break between when all of my papers were due and when my polish final was scheduled and I did exactly what I thought I was going to do with my "free" time; I just wasted it.
so Now I'm in the "crunch time" but i really don't feel much of an urge to freak out or lock myself in the library. I'll study my vocab and go over my endings, conjugate my verbs, and just roll with it. I really can't freak out about school... the only reason I did in high school was because I knew i needed good grades to get into a good college. Now what? I suppose I can tweak out about the possibility of whether I'm going to go to grad school, but the only grad school i want to go for is screen writing at USC or UCLA. (I've accepted my fate of at least 2 years in SoCal post-graduation.) I want to do better and up my GPA... I just need to do that thing... you know? That term used when you wanna actually get off your ass and try?
I think I mean "apply myself"
maybe
eh
winter break... gonna study polish and sleep
all I wanna do.

My holiday angst

2007-11-24T02:34:00.000-06:00

I had a rather awesome Thanksgiving this year. My sisters were both in town and we managed to get my grandpa over to our family friends' house for a delicious dinner and plenty of champagne, wine, and pie. Thanks to no breakfast and an empty stomach, I was a wee bit tipsy by dinner. Conversation went well, though how much rather controvercial information my sister's mentioned about our social lives shocked me a bit due to our rather conservative elder audience, but hey, they probably knew by now anyways that legal drinking ages are full of shit and I like to hit the sauce on occasion (one of said occasions being then anyway). We played some games and had pretty good conversation after the tradition gorge fest that is Thanksgiving dinner. Let's just say that watching R Kelly's "Real Talk" while drunk and on a lil turkey giddy high is rather ridiculous, in the best sense of course.
Despite the fun I had and the delightful turkey coma I fell into once I got home, I couldn't help but feeling like something was wrong. Even today, I started feeling anxious and ended up lashing out at my family for no good reason. What is wrong?
I can't quite pinpoint it yet, but its the usual freakout I have at least once every holiday season and I suppose this one will be a bit on the bad side, but only due to circumstance. My eldest sister is 24 now and living on her own. She came in this holiday because she finally could. Muy other sister is 21 and about to graduate college. I have no idea as to where she will be this time next year and that very thought is rather terrifying. My grandpa is 87, senial, has cancer, pretty intense memory loss at times and is sometimes rather dilusional. My mom's health is currently in question, and I'm in therapy but we are all here and home for the holiday and will be again come Christmas. I should be happy. I should be grateful. I should be appreciating it more. However, I find myself in states of panic and end up bitching nearly all of them out.
I'm a bit of a terrible person.
so
for lack of a better ending to this...

REAL TALK!

Teeth

2007-11-21T03:16:00.000-06:00

There are few movie trailers that make my jaw drop in the sheer awe of what hollywood can do.
And this is one of them...
Teeth

gotta love that tag line.

The lonely single

2007-11-06T01:22:00.000-06:00

So I'm now officially the only single gal in my suite. I'm not sure how I feel about this. However, so far, it has provided me with an entire suite to myself on a few occasions. The freedom of having a room to yourself for an entire night feels pretty nice. Granted, so far, the only things I've been doing with this freedom is enjoying copious amounts of naked time simply because I can.
I'm not enjoying dancing to the beat of my own drum in the form of my many itunes playlists whenever I deem the time is right. I can dance in whatever attire I want and I find this all rather freeing. I enjoy my personal time and the joy I have while alone. Its a beauty I can only see alone. Another presence in the room would only taint it.
now here are two songs I've been rather taken with this past week.

M.I.A.'s 20Dollar
(note: this vid was made by a fan/vid artist, not MIA)

I love the sampling of The Pixies

and

Gogol Bordello's "Through Roof 'n' Underground"
(featured in the movie "Wristcutters: a Love Story")

goals and more over-thinking

2007-10-27T03:27:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking
and drinking
but not that much
more thinking
really
yes
no jest

I've been thinking about my goals and exactly how important they are to me, and then I've been looking at them in the greater scheme of things. I don't know if that is what my University is secretly trying to get us all to do, but I'm doing it anyway. I used to just see my goals as where i want to be, say, 10 years from now. But now I have been looking beyond the fact of why I want it (because Its my passion and goal) and into thinking what good it will all be in the greater scheme of things. Then I start looking at everything and feel so small and pathetic to the point where time feels accelerated and I suddenly realize that none of it matters and we're only here for a fixed amount of time (we all have roughly 100 years of less tops, let's not kid ourselves, its usually way less) and I wonder 'why am I here? Why am I doing these things? What's it all matter anyway really?" When I start thinking like this no one's optimism or religious beliefs or anything can really change it. The only thing that seems to make sense is looking at everything from the view of human as animal. We are creatures and as such it is our primary goal to procreate and do what is best for our species. It seems this "do what is best" has expanded into too many fields to name, but Darwinianly we've also fucked up a lil but I'm not gonna even dive into that. So then I think "Well I'm not in the mood for baby making... well the making yes, the baby? no. Now what can I do to better my species?"
All of my goals lie in the realm of arts and media. I love them, but I also see the side of how while they are there for the mental and aesthetic... do they physically help or do the 1st 2 things I mentioned counter that?

I'm going to stop what will turn into a loop and give sleep a chance.
word

Letter from the Den of Solitude

2007-10-22T23:45:00.000-05:00

So more has been resurected by friends of mine from my little weekend episode and aparently I've been classified as an occasional Emotional Vampire. I go on and on about the woes of my life (though I recall both laughing and crying) and won't listen to people when they tell me to stop. In my defense 1) I was intoxicated and thus listening to reason was very out of the questions and 2) I won't deny the feelings which I have expressed.
Compared to my sisters I have been viewed as pretty emotionally open. I don't see the point in hiding how I feel and if you can't deal with it then, I'm sorry you're being rather weak but see ya when I'm happier I suppose. I've grown up with many examples of why keeping things to oneself is not always the best way of going about dealing with emotional problems. Sure not everyone needs to know every little detail about your personal and emotional life, but its when you start getting into darker emotions and can't seem to find the lighter side... sometimes you just need help. I have a therapist now and I've been more internalized compared to before on my own issues but I suppose a lot opf liquor and factors just set me off and I ended up going on about my fucked up life and how the knowledge of how embarassed I would be in the morning made really "not want to wake up."
My roommate mentioned this to me, and I wasn't going to lie about it so I dealt with the topic head on. "Yes, there are many mornings when I wish I didn't have to wake up, and then some when I wish I'd never wake up. It's just how it is right now and I'm sorry I feel this way and I sorry if it depresses you."
I've noticed when sharing anticdotes on various things I tend to be the downer. I know I can avoid it, but I usually don't really think about it until later. Maybe at the time I really want the sympathy because I know it will bring me attention, but I usually get incredibly embarassed about it later. I could go and blame it on being the youngest child in my family, but I think that would be unfare to all other youngest kids around. Just because I'm an attention whore from time to time doesn't mean they are too.
My train of thought is going to end here. I have more bio to read and responses to write.
I also now feel kind of like shit thanks to my curiosity, sinus infection and back pain. awesome

so if i end up posting more, it probably means i'm going out less and retreating into myself.
cabn't be an emotional vampire.

The Dionysian Snap

2007-10-21T14:56:00.000-05:00

Last year I read Nietzsche's "Birth of Tragedy." The odd part was I actually read it. Most books we were assigned in that class I "read" but I never really got into it... until this one. My TA told us that it was something that would stick with us, and at the time I just assumed she was exaggerating and it wouldn't be anymore epic than "The Picture of Dorian Grey": entertaining and a great read but not too much more.
The key part to the book that I fell in love with was his concept of the Apollonian versus the Dionysian. The Apollonian is composed and proper and tangible. The Dionysian is much on par with the concept I've called "rip roaringly drunk" but in the book also included all forms of what is considered debauchery: drugs, alcohol, sex (orgies in particular), etc.
I wrote a paper on how these two concepts collide. The Apollonian not only was the more composed but included written forms of expression: the tangible. The Dionysian was complete chaos but was said to be the feelings and experiences that lift a human up to experiencing the divine. However, the divine was not made for humans, and our puny little bodies just can't handle it. What does that leave us with? Well, after experiencing the unbelievable beauties and terrors of the divine, we get hungover.
How do we deal with these hangovers? I reach out to the tangible. Coffee, a LOT of water and carb heavy foods seem to do it for me. However, that's not the only way. The body is hungover, but depending on what memories you are left with, so is the mind. How does one handle the mind's hangover? Nietzsche seemed to thing that literature and plays and compositions could ale you. I fully agree with this. How many famous writers, composers, etc. were known for having at least 1 if not multiple vices?
How does this connect to me?
I'm hungover: mentally and physically. The physical reaction is beginning to subside but I feel the need for major penance right now.
My friend described it best today. "You're drinking and you think everything is great and your having fun and then you take another drink and something just snaps." I can't quite put my finger on exactly what did it, but that's exactly how I felt. I was having fun, I was drunk off my ass silly, then... To give you the abridged version I slapped one of my friends about 3 times (2 of which I don't remember), I ended up curled up in a ball crying, and I was not only carried up the stairs by my friend, but also placed into my bed (which is an accomplishment since my bead is lofted and a little over 3 and a half feet off the floor).
This is only a part of my Apollonian cure. I just hope I can get to the rest as soon as possible.

I'm blogging to avoid a paper

2007-10-13T21:55:00.000-05:00

I'm blogging to avoid a paper and I'm blogging out of spite. I'm not a fan of Adam Smith but year I get what he's saying. I really want to just get this over with but my thirst for a better grade is making it rather difficult. I can bull shit a paper, and I may as well to have something to hand into the writing tutors tomorrow, but right now, all I have is scratch work and an introduction.
That's not all. Along with that the Police have decided to give a nice strong warning to the area, college students in particular, regarding parties. They say that they'll do more than just shut them down... which is a bit much really. Over the summer and last year they'd just say "ok, you've partied enough, go on home now." so seeing the possibility of an arrest seems a bit much really.
Now my social life is at the mercy of whether or not the frats feel like hosting something or if the few I know in apartments do. Another reason to bitch about the drinking age and all that but for now I'll just get back to my paper.
Fucking Adam Smith

Right Now

2007-10-08T11:03:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm rather nauseated and I don't know why. I hate not understanding what my body is doing but what can I do besides wait for other symptoms to show themselves. So long as I don't have the plague that seems to be hitting everyone else, I'm fine. If an actual plague ever hit I'd probably be fucked but hey, so long as people don't sneeze and cough on me, I'm alright.
Now if only I could get that damn flu shot.
I've been rather taken with the movie Death Proof recently. I know it's supposed to be a mock of a "grindhouse" film, and I do realize that it is more or less one big wet dream (of his own making for) Tarantino (all those feet shots? come on!), but I really liked it. The plot was shotty and there were plenty of threads left untied in the end, but I still enjoy it.
Other things I've been taken with? Listening to podcast editions of NPR programs. Only two in particular really: "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" and "This American Life." And of course I never do actual wok while listening. In fact I'm often found working on a sudoku or playing Spider Solitaire while listening. I suppose it'll help me calm down. My therapist keeps looking for the common factors in my day to day life that can help me calm down when I feel rage flaring. The only thing she's found is for me to see people I'm actually excited/happy about seeing but when you're all crammed onto a college campus even the most exciting person can end up just part of the daily routine.
does this have a purpose? Nie
Just bored and at work.
On the plus my sister has had some luck in her professional life. Congrats on the new job sis!!! I'm very happy and proud.

Another anxiety attack

2007-10-02T01:35:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here at my computer slowly going crazy, yet again. Surprising? No. I'm just a big ol' bundle of nerves and currently loath myself for feeling this way. I hate the fact that I'm currently secretly furious/jealous of my best friend. I never feel confident when I'm with her and guys... Guys just don't like me. I've accepted that since high school, but I did hope things would change once I got to college. The only thing that changed is that guys wanted to fuck me, but they didn't want to love me, or date me. Friends is another story but even there...
I caught on early, so don't fear for me on that front. I can be a cold hearted bitch when I want to be and I've considered being one more often for sake of my sanity and self-preservation. It's times like this when I wish I could crawl into a cave and just live the life of a hermit for a while. Not forever... I'm sure I'd miss the basic electrical amenities I've come accustomed to... and my family.

also, next fucker that wants to joke about my habbits can fuck off
Yes, I bought a flask... it was a $10 biker themed flask... who wouldn't buy that, it's hilarious! but no!! apparently that makes me an alcoholic
y'all can fuck yourselves if that's what you think.

not so articulate right now, am I?

Pills

2007-09-24T01:23:00.000-05:00

Today was a wonderful day in all respects from an outside viewer... but on the inside I'm screaming.
I suppose its what you call typical anxiety attacks but hey, I just consider them par the course now. I've been told by my sisters that Sophomore year of college is "the year of the suck." I'm not sure if I'm just expecting that and bringing it upon myself or if it really is true. I talked to my eldest sister about it tonight and she said that this will be a year of trials. I will be tested emotionally and I will find out who my friends really are. I'm terrified already and it's killing me.
some bomb shells have been dropped, but nothing that could have been prevented and nothing that anyone brought upon themselves. Life just happened and its continuing to prove that it really is a force to be reckoned with. Does that make any sense?
I'm debating on whether I should be medicated for these anxiety attacks. I've lived in the sense of everything I've grown up feeling being normal... well my heart flutters and yearly sore throats which would eventually turn out to be classified and treated as genetic problems, but hey, that's life. So I'm starting to wonder if I should have these mental unbalanced treated the same way any other medical ailment is... but mood/mind altering drugs like zolof scare me.
I'll just keep going and see.

my plan

2007-09-18T00:46:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking ahead again
as I always do. I just finished my application for a loan that was unfinished until they sent me a reminder of the final application step and of course the first thing I thought was "Shit, life after college is going to suck."
Yes I'm going to miss the friends I've made and living in the little bubble that is the University scene, but honestly, my biggest worry is the financial burdens. I want to have some freedom after college. I'm tired of feeling like I'm tied down and I want my freedom to just fly away as soon as possible. I might even start looking into a second job...
However, other topics have been brought up while filling out the completely useless "entrance interview" which was an "open book" quiz completed on a page by page basis of information. My suite mate Anya was talking about trips she'd like to take. One trip involved camping and while I'm not that much of an outdoorsy chick, I do want to go camping some day. I'd love to... once I know I'm in good enough physical condition to take it. Despite that though, next summer I really want to attend Burning Man.
A friend of mine went this year and performed silks. I would love to do something like that. I would have tried this year but for some reason I don't think my mum would have green lighted a trip out to the middle of the desert with as many different types of drugs as I could ever dream of trying. Burning Man may be known for being a week long drug trip in the desert but (and I know I'm gonna sound a lil cliche) it really is way more than that.
Its all about art for art's sake. To construct knowing that you have to destroy it within a week. Creation without leaving a physical impression on the earth.
You should check out the photos from this year but here are some of my favorites
Let them Eat Oil
pinwheels
Crude Awakenings
White Procession Ceremony
Rainbow
EarthShip
The Temples
Tree
Koilos
GIANT SNAIL!
Night Scene
dawn
glowing thing
Shiny Costume
the camp at night
fire and stilts

So here's my plan to get there. It all relies on what I do this year and if my luck holds out. I first plan to apply and hopefully get an internship in LA... finally get my foot in the door of the film industry. Once there, plane tickets to Reno/wherever else i should fly into to get to burning man (a friend of mine said Reno) should be fairly decent compared to flying from Chicago to Reno. The only other issues would be getting supplies and a group to go with.

one of many plans I'll come up with during the year, I assure you.

...shit...what was that word again?

2007-09-16T03:11:00.000-05:00

So I've been having a terrible time speaking to more than 5 people a day since that's how most of my summer went on a day by day basis. It's become problematic in that I tend to trip up on my words and forget basic terms and phrases for teh simpelest things.
Only it seems to also make my brain replace the word or term I'm looking for with another term. This isn't always that terrible and can sometimes be rather funny, particularly when it involves Fruedian slips. However, when the term or phrase is one that is rather tabboo or rather offensive... not so great.
I don't mean to end up sounding like a little asshat, but sometimes it just happens.
Better than word vomit, but hey, I'll start getting into mental mode for school again and all will be well.
Classes start next week and I couldn't be happier. I've been waiting for a drastic change in my schedule and the fact that this alteration will be lasting for about 11 weeks until my next trip home, I'm incredibly happy about that. I love my family and being home can be nice, but sometimes being surrounded by people over 50 in my little slice of suburban hell makes me want to start kicking puppies and cursing (louder than usual) at small children. (note: all intential curses at small children are usually undermy breathe... unless i don't realize they are there. example 1: the midnight harry potter party at B&N...way to be jackie. way to be.)

I've found that my insomnia is a form of self mutilation. Maybe not as often as more masochistcs indulge in their vices but often enough to effect my mental state and make my eyes hurt. I'll stay up despite having nothing productive to do. I'll watch TV, find nothign good, then move to teh net and get distracted by random web sites and chatting with my fellow insomniacs/daysleepers.

ok... Might attempt sleep
cheers to you if you caught the REM reference.

Temptation

2007-09-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

Note: this post will not live up to the title... or it probably won't.

I was once again searching for prices of tickets to various locations I would love to visit and I keep stumbling up round-trip tickets to Morocco that are a little over $500, all fees and taxes included. I want to book it so badly.
I just can't shake the stir crazy feeling. I'm not even near home and I still feel it. I was hoping a change of location would help (and the desert is a pretty different landscape compared to Chicago) but... I don't know. Maybe its the fact that my sister's have begun to animatedly tell me that they think its a terrible idea, I should just wait for study abroad, and then remind me of our family's financial situation. My sister's roommate said, "If she can come up with the money to do it, then she should do it." I agree and I guess I'm going to have to really think about it.

One of my really good friends got kicked out of his house today. It's funny, the first thing I thought about was my father. He got kicked out of his parent's house when he was about my age. He was cut off completely and ended up living at the Y (I don't know if the Y offers such accommodations any more) and eventually put himself through a 2 year college and got jobs such as that of a bouncer. I don't know if he was the bouncer at the club where my mother and him met, but its always been a detail I've remembered about his younger days.
What's the point of this story?
Well, I suppose it has to do with conversations I've had relayed back to me that happened between my mother and grandmother (my dad's mom). My Mom used to really resent her husband's parents about them kicking him out of their house. They did not disown him, and they still accepted him as a member of the family, but my mom never agreed with their decision. As time went on my mom talked to them about it. The story goes that his parents thought that he needed a harsh reality shock and they couldn't deal with the way he was acting or something along those lines. (My mum's description of the story is a wee bit vague mainly since my strongest memories of her telling me about it were laced into empty threats when we're get into arguements/scream fests

do I have a point right now?
no.
Just was what I've been thinking about today.

The desert thus far

2007-09-08T22:54:00.001-05:00

Lauren - "See we have mountains!"
Allison- "I dunno, I think y'all crazy and those are just mounds of dirt."

(right after we got off the plane0
Allison: "Lauren! Where did your boobs go?"

-being greeted by the confused and blank looks of the elderly as I got off my plane.

-ending up sitting next to a huge smelly biker with nasty body hair... his arm hair kept touching me...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

Lauren - "yeah, you can hear the Javelinas squealing at night sometimes. They kinda sound like a woman being strangled"
Allison- "You have wild pigs roaming around here?!"

Allison (on the phone to Rachel) - "So I was just told they have wild pigs here. We have squirrels, they have wild pigs!"
Lauren- "They're not like squirrels!"

Allison- "Nice mounds of dirt you got here."
Lauren- "Shut up."

Me- "Ostriches?! Lauren! Pull over! I wanna feed and ostrich!"

Allison- "Wild pigs, searching for migrants on the road, AND Ostrich farms? This place has all of my dreams!"

This American Life

2007-09-06T12:00:00.001-05:00

So, I've just discovered that one of my favorite televisions shows from this past season is returning! Despite not having a television with access to Showtime, I do have access to tv-links as well as a friend who likes the show just as much as I do and who is willing to download it. score!
This sounds rather drab and dry compared to my last posts but I'm trying to make myself see life in a happier light and right now this is one way.
Check out the television version of one of my favorite NPR shows.
This American Life

feelings that make me ill

2007-09-05T18:20:00.000-05:00

Beyond the random bee sting I recieved today, my inablity to fall asleep last night mixed with the rather pissy way in which I bitched out my therapist and told her my visits with her may decrease in order to save money I have found myself in a state of complacency that makes me want to wretch. I feel like life has hit a standstill and I'm in a constant state of some form of pain and painkillers and antibiotics will become the norm and keep me soberly numb due to a lack of alcohol and constant drowsiness.
I tried to look up travel tickets... I found amazing fairs to Morocco, but who will go with me? Ana's unsure if she'll even be wanting to go home for winter break so I'm changing my travel destination. If I'm not going to be traveling with her there, I'll wait until I do and go somewhere else.
I'm in a very bitchy state right now.
3 days until the desert.

Looking Ahead

2007-09-03T23:14:00.000-05:00

As I sat in the car on the way to my family's Labor Day BBQ, I was forced to listen to my sister's 90's playlist on her ipod. I kept thinking back to what things were like when I was either into the music or hating it back in grade school. While looking back, I couldn't help but think forward. I used to constantly wonder what I would be like when I finally reached college. What would life be like living outside of my family's house for majority of the year? I don't know if I quite met my expectations -- I can't really remember my exact picture of the future. Instead of trying to recall my old expectations, I started to picture what I'd love my life to be like when I'm 25.
I'll live in some major city in a nice one person stylish/posh apartment on a higher floor of a high rise in a major city... maybe Chicago, maybe not (though for some reason I don't think it's in Chicago). The apartment is my main residence but I'd travel alot, maybe for months at a time, filming. Location work, documentary work, maybe some freelance or with a general production group. I'd be happy. I have an image of myself looking out over a brightly lit skyline at night from a floor to ceiling window of a very nice apartment at least 40 stories up sipping wine with a small smile of happiness. This one picture didn't necessarily have others close to me, or anyone even living with me, I was standing alone, and with a small smile. In this specific picture I seemed quietly excited about an upcoming adventure/assignment/trip... just something big coming up that would just be part of my life. No more struggle to get out and see the world. It would be part of my life.
I used to picture myself when I was older surrounded by the same friends I had at the time. I used to always picture myself surrounded by people I knew. This picture was drastically different. I'm alone, but I'm happy.

It took a few minutes for me to realize that I didn't consider anything about a potential romantic life. I assumed I'd have some romance, at least the physical variety, maybe a boyfriend or too.. but I didn't really think about it much until.. well.. now. I definitely don't see myself married yet. That is a definite. I'm not even sure If I'll ever get married. I would like to have love in my life... I just don't know if it will end up in marriage. I'd like to have someone in my life that I love and who loves me back that would want to grow old with me... But I'm not going to say how life will be... I don't really know how I'll be viewing life and love then yet.

Once again, I find myself at a loss when it comes to properly writing a conclusion, and when it comes to understanding men and how I relate to them.

Stir Crazy with a side of anxiety

2007-08-31T16:13:00.000-05:00

I want to get the hell out of here... even if for only a day or two. Funny part is I'm not really sure as to which "here" I'm even referring to anymore.
possible choices:
- hyde park
- the state of the union I'm in
- the state of mind I'm in

I'm getting by by watching random movies and television shows on TV-links (this week was the final season of Sex and the City, Secretary, and The Tudors), reading bits and pieces of books lying around the apartment, and working on my crisis for MUNUC (nothing says fun like reading up on drug lords and mob bosses).
I was on a train to Belmont yesterday and I started thinking about my current situation and it finally hit me: I don't have to stay in this. No, I'm not transferring out of my university. I love it here and I'm actually looking forward to my classes this fall (yes, I am a HUGE nerd). What I've gotten sick and tired of is telling myself what I can't do. I've grown up with an ingrained sense of limitation due mainly to money. My family is not dirt poor but we're not well off either (let's just say the financial aid I'm receiving is amazing and one of the only reasons I'm able to afford being at the University I'm at thank god for alumni donors). Its the invisible wall of whether or not I can afford it. You know what? I can. I really don't care what my mom says or what my sisters say about my potential trip I'm planning for winter. I'm sick and tired of needing their approval for large purchases being made with my own money. I've been dreaming about traveling to Europe my whole life and I'm going to do it! So Georgia may not have been the original plan when I was a freshman in high school, but Eastern Europe's pretty awesome and I'll have a local showing me around. Really can't get better than that. I refuse to be a tourist. Tourists annoy the shit out of me. Chicago gets tons of them in summer and from walking god awful slow in hordes on the side walks to making my bus rides in and out of the city longer by asking the bus driver a series of questions before boarding and proceeding to pay with dollar bills on said bus for your group of 12 isn't the way to make the locals like you.
I don't hate travelers. I love them. Working Lollapalooza put me face to face with many out of towners and I enjoyed answering their questions about the city and landmarks around us. (Some excited Aussi asked me about Buckingham Fountain. He wanted to know if it was the one from the opening credits to "Married with Children." Yay for trashy American sitcoms!) Its the tourists. I ma not be able to perfectly explain the differences between a traveler and a tourist, but you'll know when you see it.

I ran into some rather fun travelers last night. I have no idea where they were from but they were just chilling outside Clark's with their backpacks, joints, and puppy waiting to head off to where ever. I'm not saying all travelers must look like unwashed high hippies to be awesome but I couldn't help but respect what they were doing. They wanted to travel around the states and they may not have had the money to do it in a posh and hip style but they were doing it and they looked like they were having fun.

end of train of thought.

Blocked

2007-08-30T13:52:00.000-05:00

I feel mental block and its really getting to me. I miss writing, I love writing. So why is it when I sit don and try to write fiction I hit a mental wall, ram my head into a few more times, and then give up?
no
Here's my ways of getting past it
(note: time has progressed by the hours between sentences of the post so don't be thrown if you feel my attitude shifts too much or too quickly)
1. reminisce over moments of inspiration: doesn't matter if they seem a little ridiculous or not. If you feel that the moment had something that intrigues you, or a line you or someone you know said that you thought was rather poignant or just amusing, try to play back the moment, or tell a friend about it as a story. Its even more fun when the moment was one involving liquor and speaking your mind when you would never have done so in a sober state. Way more fun to retell really.

2. write out your frustration: even if its in angry sentences saying "Fuck all" over and over, you're getting something on paper at least. Who knows, maybe something worth while will spill out of your pen while your bitching.

3. Watching a movie that relates to your topic: even if the movie only has the general feel of your topic, go for it. you might get some inspiration... or at least you'll get distracted from your frustration. Beats sitting there staring at a blank sheet/screen.

yeah... no more now... gotta get back to work... yeah

The Trippiest Shows on TV

2007-08-28T01:43:00.000-05:00

Someone tell me why the trippiest shows on TV are ALWAYS kids shows? As in, shows intended for kids ages 3 and up?
So Noggin and the Nickelodeon network released its new kids show this season and its called "Yo Gabba Gabba." I was enlightened of this as I was watching E!'s Talk Soup, one of those clip shows of the most ridiculous shit on American, and occasionally British and Euro TV networks. They now have a whole segment dedicated to children's programming and tonight I learned of this new drug trip of a program. I have no idea what Yo Gabba Gabba is about but it looks like someone wanted to create a new Sesame's Street but was on Acid or shrooms while developing it and thought celebrities would dig it too and make guest appearances. Well, the lil stoner was right and here's what came out of his creation: Yo Gabba Gabba
here's a clip featuring celebrity guest, Elijah Wood (watch the lil hobbit do his "dancey dance")

and here's another clip E! featured:

I'm justified in being frightened for (and of) our nation's youth, right?

Teletubbies was once considered the epitome of trippy children's programming and it was at the time: the sun was a giggling baby, the purple one everyone thought was gay danced around in a tutu going "lalalalala" every episode, and the red one's name was Tinkey Winkey. (Kinda reminds me of bits of Trainspotting really) Oh... this totally tops that.

Sesame's street did have its trippy moments. Those crazy wigged out puppets that had dance segments used to really freak me out,

and Snufalufagus was... Snufalufagus, but was it ever this fucked up? I mean...
well, I guess you can be the judge of this. But maybe this is saying something about the attention span of the ages. Maybe when I was 3 I didn't need constant loud noises and trippy freaky monsters... no... wait.. PeeWees Playhouse offered that... but it did have a constant theme or story or something every episode.
ok
maybe I just didn't notice it back then. Older crowd, outside observer, anyone
am I wrong in thinking that we've just assumed that young kids enjoy what most adults consider a really fucked up trip?

At least Sesame's street offered something more
I mean, it even offered Opera! Granted, it was sung by a Stop Motion Animated Orange...

but even those trippy dancing puppets above, they were dancing later in a segment with a cute little African girl and they were following her lead in a traditional dance. Our shows just seemed to have something more...
something that Elijah Wood dancing aroudn in a circle and a singing stomach just don't seem to provide.

diseased

2007-08-26T16:41:00.000-05:00

So I'm still at home, in the suburbs and still rather diseased. But I am feeling better. I've gotten past the full body aches and the stomach churning nausea. Though now I know that over the past few days I've lost about 5 pounds, but what do you expect when you find that over the course of a whole day your normally large appetite is sufficiently content with a small PBJ and can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle (oh condensed goodness)
I no longer feel off balanced and dizzy and my irritation levels have gone down, but so goes it when you find that your pain levels have gone down and you've stopped having the urge to search for the leftover vicodin from surgeries past. (While I found some high-profile painkillers I sadly shied away from them because they are over a year old... While I'm open to a nice little trip, I'm not open to whatever might be in store from them being past their expiration date.)
But now I have full hearing back in one ear and my other ear is still rather muffelled but totally numbed thanks to steroid laced ear drops (lovely little things, really). I've had some tripped out dreams but I can't tell if I should blame them on the high amounts of tylenol and steroids in my system or just the fever I had over the weekend thanks to the infection.
I'm gettign better
and thanks to a raffel at some charity event my mum went to, I have a $50 bottle of Polish vodka to drink once I'm well

cheers.

Therapy, it's the new crack!

2007-08-22T00:14:00.000-05:00

So I'm really hoping this therapist works out. I've been going through a lot recently, and of course it couldn't have been while I had some good things going on to balance it out. No, of course not. That's just not how my life works. But then, if I didn't have these extreme ups and downs... would I still be the same person? And this is why, despite how much I know I need it, I'm still a little skittish about getting a therapist.
If not for my extreme highs and lows... what would I be like?

I guess its the uncertanty that scares me the most.

just can't finish

2007-08-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

I've found myself in a state of deadlock and I can't seem to finish any project.
I'm studying Polish but I've found that flash cards will only do so much until I can truly make sure that my pronunciation is perfect and have a book that actually makes sense of declensions and sentence structure.
I think I've finally found my crisis for my MUNUC committee, only I need the fine details worked out. Granted, I do have until the end of January to do this... still. I want to be more on top of my stuff this year. And perhaps even get more sleep... but let's not even get into my problems with insomnia.

So I've been on my way to planning a trip over seas for this coming Winter Break already. However, since I have no idea when my passport will be in, planning has become rather depressing sine I'm finding all of the cheap fares now but I know that they will be no where in sight when the actual trip approaches. Damn. The initial plan is to fly home with my friend at the beginning of winter break. Take in mine that home for her is Tbilisi, Georgia. My mother and sister don't seem to fully support my endeavor. My sister is bitching on how I shouldn't spend money on airfare and my mom is afraid I'll get murdered by Russians or at least their bombs while there. (click here for why) My mom wants me to ease into leaving the states while my sister wants me to wait until I study abroad my 3rd year. Well I'm sorry for being antsy but I'm seeing opportunities and I'm in a very well paying job that I can work overtime with and will if needed.

I may be lazy sometimes but when I really want something, I don't sit on my ass and pray for it to just fall into my lap.

My Day...

2007-08-17T01:47:00.000-05:00

Today was fairly interesting to say the least.

Started with me doing my routine or trying to see how many extra minutes of sleep I can catch before I am really pushing the limits of running late. Today however I was facing the yells of my sister if I was late. So, I rolled out of bed around 8:45, grabbed a Luna bar and some jeans before sauntering out the door to the lil blue Toyota. Today's agenda was the Dermatologist for Al and I to get checked for potential signs of skin cancer, primarily Melanoma. Remember how you'd always be told that Melanoma is caused by ultra-violet rays from the sun? Well, now they say its more genetic and guess who's mom had it about.... 12 years ago? She's fine and they caught it and had the area that needed to be removed removed. Funny thing was, I was about 6, or about to turn 6, at the time and had no idea what was going on or why my mom looked a little yellow when she'd come back form her doctor's appointments (I didn't know that chemotherapy could cause some jaundice at the time).

We got to the doctor about 20 minutes early, filled out the necessary information then waited. About an hour after the scheduled time of our appointments we were escorted into a room for vitals then broken up into 2 separate rooms and were told to don those delightfully shameless hospital gowns with the tie facing the back and wait for the doctor. Right when I got to the part of the magazine I was flipping to that seemed mildly interesting the doctor and nurse came in, took my magazine away and began asking some questions and giving my whole body a medical version of a once over. There was no poking and prodding, just the doctor getting a good look at all of my freckles and moles (and all of the moles I thought were freckles and what not). A glance here, a look at the feet, a quick glance at my backside and a few questions. "Do you have any particular regions of your body that you've noticed discoloration in?" "Any changes in moles? shape? color? size?"
Nope, No, and nope.
"Okay. Do you want me to give you anything for your acne?"
I happen to have been having a rather bad day and thanks to some slight stress my skin wasn't in its best shape. I accepted her prescriptions but made a point of asking her how much they were going to cost. (After seeing Sicko I'm just a little more aggravated by how much I end up spending when I see my doctors and how much the prescriptions they write me are going to cost. *shrug*) I changed back into my clothes and went to the waiting room to wait for my sister.

Maybe it was the fact that I knew she had an actual concern and reason to be checked out by this doctor now, but it felt like I was waiting a lot longer for her than the time it took for my entire appointment. Eventually my sister came through the door and looked at me and said "yeah, I have to have it removed."
My sister had a mole that had changed not only in color but also in shape and even texture. Here's what she said happened (paraphrased but yeah...):
"Well, first the nurse came in and said 'What the hell is that?' and I already figured something was wrong, but I kind of assumed that anyway. I mean, we had a doctor's appointment with a new specialist. Something had to be wrong, as usual. Then the doctor came in and said it looked like a combination of about 6 different types of tissue. She said its probably not cancer but she wants me to get it removed and biopsied as soon as possible."

Makes sense for my family, it really does. Especially for Al. As she said, if her health's gonna fuck up, her body likes to go all out. She can't just have you're average cardiac episode. It has to baffle at least 3 specialists before we get a proper and accurate diagnosis. Can't just be your average sinus infection. No, it has to be a weird fungal problem that takes about 5 months to fully sort out and cure, with a little surgery of course. Can't just get one defibrillator and have it work. Naw, her heart has to not respond to the first and have the battery die about 3 years early on the 2nd one. Can't just get the flu. It has to develop into a blood infection.

yeah.

We met up with my mom for lunch after and told her what had went down at the doctor's office. My mom did a better job of hiding her worry, concern, and agitation than I had expected. Then again, the woman is on medication and has been functioning in a state of semi-crisis for the past 15 years. She's a strong one.

We came back to the city and I headed off to work. I met up with a recently graduated friend and talked for a bit then went about my way to the gym and had dinner with another friend before we walked around and went to Brian's house with Parker to hang out and play poker. We left around 11:30 and headed towards my apartment. We took the slightly less lit street by the park and naturally, the only day I make that stupid decision the guy walking towards us in baggy jeans and a over sized T-shirt wasn't just going about his way. Of course not. I saw it coming... I really did. Usually when you're walking towards someone going in opposite directions they move to one side and you move to another. No need for eye contact or any fort of interaction, just go about your way, everything will be fine. No. Of fucking course not.

He was on his cell phone, or looked like it, walked right up to us, put it away, removed his black (and rather large) semi-automatic and said in a lot softer voice than I had expected "Give me your money."
I shoved my hand into my purse and fished around in a slight panic. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't a bit shaken.
"I-I don't have any money." I brought my hand out with the change I could fish out form the bottom of my purse and he turned to Parker, who had taken out the money he had in his pocket. The guy took it then motioned and said, "Now turn around and walk away."
We did and turned once we got to the main street and walked towards Parker's. We called the cops while we were walking and they came to question us, then picked us up and took us over to where they had some suspects and a few other victims to see if we could identify our mugger.
About an hour later and we didn't see the guy but had retold the story and given our basic information about 5 times or so before they made sure we were alright and gave us a ride home.

So yeah, not a bad day really.

really...

Class Shopping

2007-08-16T00:28:00.000-05:00

Last quarter (Spring '07) I was shopping around for a class when I had an open period and nothing to fill it with. In the end, I took Ethnic Conflicts with the delightful Professor Wilkinson. However, I did sit in on a Russian Lit/Film/Culture/Random as all hell class that was accidentally cross listed with Cinema studies. I found out later that they only watched one film that quarter. Well, I sat in on that class on its second day. Safe to say I missed about 100 pages of reading that was assigned earlier that week and was totally and completely lost. That didn't stop me from taking notes though.
Here's what I wrote during class that day.

consciousnesses=smart but with blind spots
makes things up
secret motivations - find by putting against the categorical imperative
categorical imperative
narrative plot
multiple beginnings to the elimination of all other options
value exists outside
but imposition of value puts it in the person who creates the value
freedom imposed
narrative=
ethics discussion when character rambles - Dostoevsky
Russian
arguments with self
verbal utterances-- also actions?
dear god... it just keeps going

Nosebomb-- not spelled right
moral philosopher
enlist lit and moral philosophy in one common quest
how should one live?
status quo of moral philosophy
lit resistant to question of ethics... why?
major schools of lit criticism?
formalism lit criticism exist of all things human
principles/laws
willingly participating
Foucault... sp?
lit crit- discuss text compare to other texts
do not refer to human life at all

I want to write again but I'm blocked
social existence and totality of connections
we think about lit

reflecting equilibrium
exclude?
include?
what you want
what I want?
rational
and we're done
8 minutes left
whats right
whats wrong
what does she avoid
page 177
179
women cannot live
why?
who is she to say this/
but who am I to say anything
reflexive vs perspective
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
7minutes
page 182 at the bottom
in the new norm of perception
yes
no?
que?
te tu ta
ve vu va
5 minutes
blitz time
6?
don't correct the teacher dammit

in the waters
lost
no strather perspective
5 now
whimsical
but right
if i stay I'd get Russian food
but i can't take this
to perceive becomes moral
no reason
god damn
4minutes

to be in life but not quite.... why is readers position so special?
he or she can be receptive and perceptive
you can chose to read it or not
have cake and eat it too
perceive but safely removed
3minutes

excluded from vision
hows is it moral/
good question
no answer
only issue with this
can't take too many analysis in one quarter
i can get mind fucked later

2 minutes

advert gaze
focus adverted
page 188 towards the article's end
sexual love
1 minute

Lolla-fucking-Palooza!

2007-08-07T10:35:00.000-05:00

Just recovered from one of the best weekends I've ever had.
Its hard to do a proper recap because there was so much but I suppose I'll have to just start from the beginning.
So Day 1 I was just face painting in the morning and working with the regular volunteer group. We got Volunteer T-shirts and were told to report back when designated. So I had until about 1:30 open to do whatever. I painted faces and met some cool people over by Mindfield and then ran off around noon for some Chipotle and wandering with Sharat. We both had a volunteer gig only his wasn't until 6pm or so. After checking out a few spots in the park we got our Chipotle and i ran back to get my volunteer shirt and hand out iTunes cards with some other volunteers. It was alright, only we were stuck in direct sunlight and when you're as pale as me, well... let's just say I became a little crazy in my search for shade and ways to make the time go faster. I met some cool people and talked to some of my fellow volunteers throughout the shift and was very happy be to close to the Mindfield since Carmel and the Bikini Brigade were stationed over there and I ran over a few times for a spray down or two.

After the shift I ran off to catch up with a friend, caught some G Love and Special Sauce then headed over towards where LCD Soundsystem was rockin' out and waited for Daft Punk's set which was AMAZING! I did want to see Ben Harper but my choice was made with a thought process such as this: "Well I could go see some mellow and awesome music with ben harper, or I could see a tripped out drugged up Light Show... Well, I am quite hyper right now..." 'nuff said, really.

Day 2:
So after hanging out iTunes cards for about 5 hours the previous day I thought "Why the fuck would I do that again when I can dress like a vampire and walk around where ever I please?" So I resigned my job as a walking ad for Apple and instead I walked around dressed as a Vaudevillian Vampire. Not only did I get weird looks and pictures taken form afar but I wasn't as easy to recognize to friends, I was asked to pose for pictures, and was also asked to bite around 10 necks or so (I had some sweat fake fangs, people kept asking if they were real). After having fun flouncing about and freaking people out I headed over to check out the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and let me just say, they were awesome! However, as soon as they finished I rushed forward and fought my way to front row. I was about a foot away from the fence that was keeping us from the stage. Their set was AWESOME! Not as good as Daft Punk, but still amazing.

Day3:
I ended up dressed up as a demon lion and a little hung over from the night before, but not enough to stop me from getting up and dancing around to I'm From Barcelona with Thom, Sid, and two other guys who were holding the Perry Balloons with us. (I can't recall their names! shit! I'm awful with names.) We checked out Rodrigo y Gabriela after and they were really great performers. Mixing flamenco, rythmic, and classical guitar with songs from artists such as Metallica, Pink Floyd, and Nirvana.

We checked back at the Mindfield and I wandered around for a bit and danced around during kareoke before heading over to the Bud Light stage again and we ended up getting free beer and wine because a really nice lady at the bar liked our costumes. We took some pictures and I drank a lil more Pinot Grigio than I can recall right now but I got to chill backstage during Iggy and the Stooges... I didn't get to join the stage rush bu it was sweet and I met some really cool people while chilling back there. (It made me wish I was better at recognizing the indie rock gods visually instead of just by their songs *shrug*)
Still, at least some friends of mine got to rush the stage

Then we all met up and were told Perry Ferrell was going to stop by and while hanging around backstage I ended up chatting with some rockers from the band Mink. They were fun Australian guys (and one lovely young lady) who were all pretty chill and fun to hang with... not to mention dance with during their set. We (the Mindfield monsters) started dancing in the crowd but the bass player motioned for the girls to join them on stage.

I ran over to see Peter Bjorn & John right after (if I stayed I could have formally met Perry but I did get to say hi to him and dance around in front of him. haha) and they were amazing. I was hanging around backstage during their set but I had a great view of the stage and in the 20 minutes I got to actually see of them, they played all of my favorite songs off Writer's Block. And of course, in true fashion, Peter came out from backstage right after their set to sign autographs. I got one for my roommate. The rest of the day was lost to an exhausting blur... I was chilling out backstage during Modest Mouse, then danced around on stage during Kid Sister's set back at the Mindfield. I caught some Pearl Jam and fireworks before I realized that if I didn't get going I was going to pass out and/or miss me train.

Needless to say 1) I'm getting tired and am terrible at conclusions and 2) I had a kick ass weekend.

peace!

oh! update!
I'm September I will be visiting my sister in Arizona. I've been hearing many things about this place over the last few years. Expect tales of...
-Kareoke Bars
-Trips across the boarder
-visits with my mother's high school fiend and her husband
-meeting the infamous Cat Lady
and seeing how long it takes before we either all try to kill each other or they start giving me shit about... well their most recent topics of choice have been imitations of me when I'm drunk (though I admit the occation that they use for reference is rather hilarious), imitations of my first circus performance, simply mentioning that I am in the circus, and anything involving my love life... the details known to them of course are few and rather ancient but still rather annoying (do I really need to be reminded of boyfriends from high school? yeah, I thought not).

ok, I'm finally done making grammar mistakes and butcharing punctuation for the night.

FINALLY!

2007-08-01T23:48:00.001-05:00

I'm gonna get my passport!
I'm gonna get my passport!

now imagine that with a sing-song voice and me dancing around in circles.

So yes, I'll admit that I have never left the continental borders of the USA... and that depresses the shit out of me. I don't believe that it has been that terrible and I know others like myself who have not left the country yet either, but I'm rather mad at myself for not having applied for a passport yet. I mean, what the fuck? I've been in college on my own with plenty of chances to have printed the application up and hop on CTA to get it all taken care of... sadly now I have to face the massive backup in passport applications. I'm a little unclear of why there's all the backup now, but I can't change it and I'll just deal. Its not the only thing that has stopped my Eastern Euro excursion that I originally had planned for the summer (I miss my lil Georgian *sigh*) but It won't stop me if I get the chance to go during winter break (I'll have a rather flexible schedule and hopefully have saved up enough cash). Where I'll go I'm still very unsure of, but I'll see where I'm going to go and who I might go with when the opportunity arrives.

I've been wanting to travel overseas for so long. My list of destinations has gotten way too long. I really wish I could do what my friend Thom is doing. Lucky boy just graduated and now plans on leaving for Euro in fall to just wander around for 6 months.

but there'll be time for that later. I ended up talking to some grad students during a Kung Fu shoot tonight who reminded me that I'm still young and that I do actually have time before I graduate to do other things besides constant academics and internship hunting... I tend to forget that sometimes.

note to self:

2007-08-01T14:58:00.000-05:00

So I used to write more.
I used to write a lot. Short stories, short essays, in my journal nightly...
Just not this year.
NO MORE!
I swear, the next post I put up here will be something worthwhile, something with an ending, something not thrown together with the diction of a 5 year-old.
for now, I'm just going to come down from my intense sugar high and work on my crisis for MUNUC.
cheers.

Love songs (that don't make me vomit)

2007-07-31T13:42:00.000-05:00

I've been going through my ever expanding music collection and was surprised to find a number of songs that can be classified as love songs and yet, they don't make me cringe or sit uncomfortably as my friend/sister/roommate/whoever forces the song to finish out
No
These are the love songs/ballads that I actually enjoy listening to. Shocking, maybe, but you'll understand. Hell, you may not even consider them love songs... trust me, more or less, they are.

and if you don't like my choices... um... fair enough?

-"Julia" The Beatles
-"Sweet Child of Mine" Guns 'N' Roses
-"Waltz #2" - Elliot Smith
-"Maps" Yeah Yeah Yeahs
-"I Miss You" Incubus
-"The Luckiest" Ben Folds
-"Hey There Delilah" Plain White Ts
-"Starlight" Muse
-"Love Song" The Cure
-"A Thing Called Love" The Darkness
-"Wonderwall" Oasis
-"First Day of my Life" Bright Eyes

and what ended up as the song that reminds me most of my childhood... oddly enough

-"Tonight, Tonight" The Smashing Pumpkins

That's what happens when you grow up with a sister who can be considered a generation Xer. I listened to a lot of Q101 back then.

that and the rest of my childhood consisted of a lot of my mom and dad's old records. My Dad had the better collection. We had an original vinyl of The Rolling Stones Sticky Fingers LP. Dunno where that one is now but at least we kept all of the old Beatles records.

word

looking back through my television's lense

2007-07-31T12:58:00.000-05:00

As I sit here at work, killing time until This Introduction to Bengali lesson 7 part 1 finishes digitizing (all in real time) I've decided the best way to make the time pass a little faster would be through watching old episodes of Gilmore Girls and Sex and the City. I started with the episode with Rory's first day at Chilton Prep... It made me question how on earth I survived 8 hours of straight classes and staying in one building without being able to leave unless I had a pass or convinced the school nurse that I was sick. The freedoms of being older after being trapped in such an institution really makes me wonder how I managed back then. How did I not just go fucking crazy... oh, wait. I did.